We have lived in this house for the last 5 years.  I fell in love with it immediately. We already had a nice house when this one popped up on the market, but we were looking to have something with a little more room to grow.  This house came with a lot of bang for the buck. It was big and roomie, had lots land for the kiddos to roam, and room to expand.

Let me tell you what it’s really been like.  It was built in 1984. That’s only 3 years younger than I am.  It is falling apart. There are literally places that are duct taped together.  Know what that means? Leaks. Lots and lots of leaks. Know what that means? Lots and lots of money and remodeling.  It has 4 acres. Know what that means? Constant upkeep. It has a pool. Constant maintenance. It is huge and sprawling.  Know what that means? Nonstop cleaning. I am so over this house sometimes I feel desperate to escape this mess I have gotten myself into.  I’d like to just sell this beast and start over somewhere fresh and clean and NEW! I live on Realtor.com looking to see the color of the grass on the other side of the fence.  

When I think of my relationship with this dang house I can’t help but think of my relationship with Adam.  Ah, young love. I thought getting married would be so fun and carefree. How cool is it to be able to be roomies with your bestie?!  I couldn’t wait to grow old together. I had know idea that that meant we’d grow up together and with that would come it’s fair share of growing pains.  We moved in together and things got real, real fast. Nothing was like I thought it would be. I thought it would be nonstop hang time. No, he started a company and was barely home.  I thought we’d get to be perfect parents together. Wrong, I had kids and he went on the road essentially leaving me as a single mother. I thought we’d weather every storm together and work through things as partners.  Nope, we grew so cold and distant from each other that we wondered if we could ever be on the same page again.

We were in way over our heads.  We’d fight then make up out of necessity, putting a bandaid on the problems (or duct tape, as it were).  One of us would get mad at the other and we’d just give each other the silent treatment until we forgot we were doing it and things went back to what passed as normal, nothing ever solved. Leaks?  How about sitting on a wet toilet seat. Does that count? When we finally did get ourselves into counseling it was constant work; rehashing everything, forgiving past hurts, working hard at getting better at communicating.  We had to redo every process we had put in place at the beginning of our marriage. There was more than one time that I really, really was desperate enough to walk away. Even started working through a plan. Surely, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.  Surely, it would be easier without all this mess, all this work, all this personal investment.

At the end of the day, I had to determine where my heart was.  Did I still love the man I had married? Did he do his part? Did I even like him?  Was this worth it; Even with the extra hardship, the extra effort, the extra baggage, the extra work, the extra…. dampness.  Yes. Because wherever is my heart I call home and my home is with Adam. That makes it all worth it.

I’m not sure where my heart is with this house.  My marriage to it is still tenuous at best. It is certainly a labor of love.  I really think it needs to reevaluate its priorities. For now, it still feels like home.  And so we work……

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